If ever I was
Stronger, better, braver,
If my eyes remained dry and my words didn’t waver—
I’d take a deep breath and exhale confessions,
A carefully shaped and molded expression,
The perfect Good-bye, all-encompassing
My voice strong and clear, my bright eyes shining—
I’d tell you I love you, and that I’m not fine
And that I will miss you but try not to pine
If ever there was
The perfect Good-bye
I wouldn’t have to wonder if I showed you (my Love) in time.
I hate goodbyes. It recently occurred to me that I maybe even hate goodbyes more than the actual fact that someone is leaving. There’s just something about knowing that this is your last moment with someone and chance to say how you feel that is dreadfully sad.
When that moments comes, I feel paralyzed. I start to sweat, I get cold and jittery, and I end up rushing through it as fast as possible so that the pain of goodbye can be over and done with. But in the end this always causes more pain and I find myself thinking, “If only I could say the perfect good bye, then it wouldn’t hurt so bad.” When people leave, I have such a yearning to tell them what they mean to me. And yet when the time comes, I simply can’t. If only we could say good bye with a clear head, vision unobstructed by tears, and words crafted with accuracy and care, then leaving wouldn’t feel so empty, so dissatisfying and too-soon. Without words unsaid, there wouldn’t exist the worry that our friends will never know how we truly feel.
In movies there are perfect goodbyes, and this probably contributes to that sense of dissatisfaction—we expect real life to mimic drama. In movies, actors say all that’s needed to be said, they show affection kindly and confidently, they leave with no questions left unasked—well, most of the time. But in real life—for me at least—goodbyes are always too short and disappointing. Being able to say what you feel on the spot and in that precious, specific moment in time is a skill that I’m not sure many people have. To express love, longing, and loneliness into words when you need to say those words most is so, so incredibly difficult. Goodbye is not so much a sting as an emptiness.
I’m feeling really torn up over a goodbye right now, and I am filled with regret for having rushed it and not saying what I wanted to say. I feel as though I came off as careless when really it is so much the opposite. And on top of it all is an intense fear of being forgotten. Maybe, if I had said something more meaningful, my friend wouldn’t forget me when he leaves…irrational? I really don’t think so. I wish there was a remedy to this, but it seems as though there’s not and there really is no such thing as the perfect goodbye.